Third: I Crash and Burn

The Trazadone helped with insomnia, I was able to fall asleep again around 11 pm but I was still tired when I woke up. I attempted to regulate my sleep schedule thinking that being out of work was the cause. So I slept from 11 pm until 8 am every day, waking up at a “reasonable hour” or with the sun to try and reset my circadian rhythm. Still, I was falling asleep, taking naps every day and the naps not being refreshing.

Photo by Hayley Catherine on Unsplash

I went back to my PCP again around May 2019, this time only looking to get meds for depression and annual bloodwork. I answered their 20 questions about WHY I thought I had depression ranging from “do you have suicidal thoughts?” to “do you feel down?”. I answered all the questions honestly, emphasized my fatigue and my lack of desire to do the things that I loved. The doctor prescribed me with Fluoxetine – an antidepressant. I left feeling hopeful, that at least I could check off one item from my list of possible diagnosis/causes. Even if I didn’t fix my fatigue, I could at least get my stress level and depression under control.

I went to a therapist which immensely helped with my depression and anxiety. She used a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which turned out to be just the thing I needed. It reduced my anger, stress, and self-deprecating thoughts. Sadly, she was unable to help with my fatigue or explain it.
If you would like more information on my therapy experience, let me know and I will explain more!

At this point, it was around November/December 2019. With the holidays approaching, social activity was becoming more often. I would spend every social gathering attempting to not fall asleep. I would drink copious amounts of caffeine to help, but it did not affect me at all. I regrettably had to miss a few holiday parties because I could not wake up enough to get out of bed. My stress was also increased during this time because I had to move which caused some financial stress, emotional stress, and relationship stress. Along with my significant other/partner’s emotional stress, we both became stretched thin.

When I wasn’t packing, I was sleeping. I could only pack for about 3 hours a day if that, and sleeping the rest of the day. If I wasn’t packing, I was researching apartments, making phone calls, but again, I could only do that for so long before having to sleep. I had to put all of the household chores on my partner which did not help with my guilt and depression. The only time I would be awake is between 5 pm and 8 pm so I could spend time with my partner, but that added more strain to us because we both wanted more time together. I started to collapse under the stress, fatigue, and depression.

I posted on Facebook about my frustration and a friend in the medical field offered to look over my blood tests to see if there was any indication about what could be causing my fatigue that the doctor may have missed. I spent days comparing and researching my blood test results trying to find a reason or something that would narrow down my list of possible diagnoses. (More on my blood tests later)

I was angry, confused, frustrated, mentally exhausted, and hopeless. Even with my new depression meds doing what they could, I was crumbling. I wanted more than anything to do the hobbies I once loved, and thanks to the newest meds, I started to love again. I wanted to sew, paint, play video games… but I couldn’t keep my head up long enough to do any of it.

Published by Anna Smith

Anna Smith is not my real name, and I am hoping to provide some sources, information, and explanations to others that I struggle to find and understand.

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